social interactions, taking up space, and feeling like you have the right

[tielan]

Well, fuck.

The Crane Wife

Warning, this is traumatising if you have the remotest speck of empathy for women and/or have been through this yourself.

I was in the church kitchen on the weekend, and - I really don't quite remember how - I managed to get into a conversation with two guys in my bible study about giving and receiving and how gifts, particularly intangibles such as mercy and love and grace, are reflections on the giver not on the receiver. That was my point, by the way. I had something to say and I said it, and they listened - which I appreciated because not all men do.

I've been ignored before - plenty of times. And yet, I'm also listened to - plenty of times.

(Interestingly, post-Engdame, a male church friend (pretty geeky) asked me what I thought of it, and I held forth on the issues with time travel, frustrations with the follow-on consequences of actions allegedly characterised as heroic, and problematic portrayals of the sole female character and her purposes. And he listened. He pointed out his difference in understanding, and said, "I didn't think about that at all" to a couple of points.)

I was taught that my thoughts and my voice were at least the equal of any man - and if not as good as, then better. I had the good fortune to grow up among men who were willing to listen and realise they hadn't thought about that at all and not just dismiss me because I happened to lack a penis.

Yes, I'll hesitate to leap in and give my opinion in a group of men, but my experience in church groups is that sometimes one of the men will change the direction of the conversation by asking for my opinion.

It's taken me quite a while to realise just how unique this experience is.

I take up space and I feel I have a right to.

--

Put down the Self-Help books, resilience is not DIY.

We later verified these results with more than 7,000 young people around the world, but this was the first proof that let us say with certainty that resilience depends more on what we receive than what we have within us. These resources, more than individual talent or positive attitude, accounted for the difference between youths who did well and those who slid into drug addiction, truancy and high-risk sexual activity.

I have to admit it, the diagram made me tear up. We had proved that resourced individuals do far better than individuals without resources, no matter how rugged the latter might be.

Why is this in 'opinion' and not in 'science' or 'politics'? Seriously!

Basically, governments cutting services right, left, and centre and demanding that people be DIY? THE WRONG DIRECTION, DUMBARSES.

Also: not a one-size fits all, but services that adjust to fit the individual - example given was kids with super low-income parents who wouldn't take time off work for the necessary meetings because to do so would mean no food on the damn table. Doubleyew. Tee. Eff. Not everyone is able to take time off: I mean, it's inconvenient as a salaried professional, but it means a big dent in the weekly income for someone working by the hour.

It's also worth noting that a local fannish community can provide some of these needs - not all of them, obviously - but enough to keep things up in the air.

Comments

[lilysea]

Also: not a one-size fits all, but services that adjust to fit the individual - example given was kids with super low-income parents who wouldn't take time off work for the necessary meetings because to do so would mean no food on the damn table.

Yes, apparently a big problem with kids not getting free lunches in the US is that the kids are entitled to - their parents income is low enough - but their parents aren't able to complete/file the paperwork because

a) can't take the time off work to lodge the paperwork;

b) not literate enough;

c) legitimately daunted by authorities eg because of past contact with child protective services, jails, or immigration

So some schools have started offering to help parents file the paperwork. Personally I think all US schools should offer this help - offer, not compel.

[tielan]

Offering to help file the paperwork as a base level would be great. Some people will want to fill it in themselves, others would doubt their ability or want to aks questions, but if the option is there, then those who might hesitate would be more likely to take the option.

Reducing barriers - social and psychological. Whodathunk it would work at improving involvement?!?

[lilysea]

I applied for the Disability Service Pension a few years ago - the process is almost impossible for someone with brain fog or concentration/attention/memory difficulties or mental fatigue or chronic pain,

and I really don't think that anyone with Down's Syndrome or fetal alcohol syndrome could complete it without SIGNIFICANT assistance [assistance that is not available unless you have a family member or friend willing and able to help/or money to pay a professional support worker for assistance]

See also my rant about how applying for the National Disability Insurance Scheme is nigh-impossible for many people because of their disabilities.

[colls]

That first article/essay was a very good read - thanks for sharing it. :)

[tielan]

It's a little scary, but also very interesting, and useful to hear where other people are coming from.

[amilyn]

Thank you for sharing this. I'm overwhelmed (even though it's summer) and having a hard time, and this really helped me, both of these articles.

I was heard and listened to at church when I shared ideas about scholarship and text (in classes, of course, never services). And there were many who valued me (because I was a good girl) and supported the many ways in which I was Following The Rules (learning to garden and cook and sew) and also my nerdy interests. But any time I tried to get help for things that were harming me...people ...they don't even REMEMBER me asking. I remember crying and begging...and...I called people from my church a few years ago and...they remember that I had been upset about things sometimes, but they ...it's like they have amnesia about anything that wasn't cheerful.

My brother, at a sleepover at our house, LITERALLY grabbed the preacher's son around the neck and tried to throttle him. Z went home with BRUISES on his NECK when he was, like, 10 or 11 years old. I called that preacher and...he didn't even REMEMBER his son having been assaulted. HOW? How is that how a community responds?

I'm glad your experience has been different.

[tielan]

I would suggest that where communities are invested in a particular view of themselves, they will resist/throw out anything that contradicts that view.

eg. "the current state of America as independently evaluated" vs. the "America is the greatest!"

When people are invested in being Special & Different (as both the Manifest American Destiny folks and too many American Evangelical churches are) then they will reject anything that contradicts that view. A failing America? A church that doesn't resemble the messiah they claim to follow? These things are (to quote Ralph from the Simpsons) unpossible!

[lynnenne]

It's also worth noting that a local fannish community can provide some of these needs - not all of them, obviously - but enough to keep things up in the air.

Agreed! There have been depressive episodes in my life where I felt like fandom friends were the only ones who understood what I was going through. They literally helped me survive.

[tielan]

I'm glad that fandom helped you out at hard points in your life. *hugs*

[velithya]

You always have such thought provoking links. Thank you for sharing.

[tielan]

Aw, what a lovely thing to say!

I admit, the world is infinitely fascinating, and hearing about other people's perspectives is one of the few ways that I'll get to hear and learn about things outside of my very narrow circle of experience and the experience of those that I rub shoulders with in the run of my life.

[velithya]

hearing about other people's perspectives is one of the few ways that I'll get to hear and learn about things outside of my very narrow circle of experience

yeah, this for sure.

There's a lady I've followed across three separate tumblr name changes because she has a very different perspective on life and like... just hearing her thoughts and feelings about things, pop culture, life, queerness, etc really makes me think about my white privilege and try and readjust my thoughts on things.

I think it's so important for us to try and hear and consider voices different to our own, otherwise we'll all end up in an echo chamber and that's not going to help anyone grow.