fannish confessions

[tielan]

All the new Marvel stuff just depresses me right now. So do all the fic exchanges.

I'm just not excited about fannish stuff anymore, and even if I am, I can't find people to be excited about the same stuff. I feel like the weird kid whom nobody actually likes but who everyone is too Nerd Fallacious to actually tell to fuck off.

I feel like it would help to have a viewing buddy if I was going to watch anything. And I'd really have to be forced to watch most things, too. Last year I almost started watching Stumptown with someone, except she had depression and sleep issues and our schedules never lined up and then I got a job. I'd like to watch Bridgerton - hell, I even bought Netflix again. But the prospect of actually lining up an episode and pressing play and sitting through the entirety of the show?

No, I can't. IDK. Is fannish trauma a thing? Attaching to character that other people couldn't care less about and then feeling frustrated that nobody else either attaches or is actually interested in being excited about them? Or else being second fiddle, because they're more excited about The Popular Character and of course there's plenty of people for them to squee with and really, I'm cold tea at best.

Still trying to write. Still feeling like a failure. Twenty somethings around me dash off novels in the blink of an eye. They may very well be crap, but at least they're finishing and publishing, and they're learning writing along the way.

DW is cheaper than therapy.

Comments

[nrgburst]

Is there a discord or an active tumblr chat you can join (or make?) I know I'm part of a couple with just a couple of solid regulars who are obsessed about the same fandom/ship, and that helps a lot with that feeling of Rareship isolation.

*hugs*

[rmc28]

I know that I am not succeeding in watching anything unless I schedule it. For TV/films that means making a plan to watch it with someone else, usually my spouse or my offspring, and then I'm subject to their availability matching mine.

For ice hockey that means watching it live, or putting time in my calendar to catch up on the recordings if the live time doesn't work for me. I've found out the hard way that it has to be in my calendar or I just don't.

[scribblemyname]

Being a depressed, sleep issues friend, I feel you because tbh, almost all my big "into it" stuff right now, I don't know anybody else into it at all. Because I'm reading and watching niche stuff and whatever survives my not-feeling-well bunny brain.

:hugs:

If it's any consolation, you were and are always one of my favorite people, never second fiddle or cold tea for me, even when I tend to write all over the map.

[wpadmirer]

You're in a trough right now. You need to give yourself a break.

I haven't been doing much fannish stuff myself this year. Except reading a bit of fanfic, and I find that a lot that other people enjoy I don't.

Thank God I met someone writing some very light, very sweet/funny The Witcher stuff that suited my mood.

You do a lot. You have the gardening thing, the chickens thing, the work thing, and sibling thing. Pick something that brings you joy. Like the garden and the chickens and stop thinking about what you're not doing.

Then when your brain has had time to de-stress, come back to fandom and find something that you enjoy. It's out there. Just don't push so hard to find it.

I think you're WAY too hard on yourself. Give you some priority.

[colls]

*hugs*

I'm having trouble keeping up since 2020, and feel like fandom has passed me by (along with a lot of RL things). So I can appreciate how you're feeling on that front. I want to echo what someone else said - which is be kind to yourself.

Unlike years ago, there's just so much material out there now - we're not all watching/reading the same things and it means less and less engagement (from my point of view at least) because you have to balance what you really like with what you think you can connect with others on. That's stressful.

I don't know if our schedules will ever line up, but I'm up for watching something with you. I've also gone to movies because they're easier to manage - less of a fannish interaction for it, but at least I feel I'm engaging? IDK.

[havocthecat]

Dreamwidth might be cheaper than therapy, but we're also not going to be as effective, because we're not really cut out for the same job. We might listen, but we can't help in the long run, and you're going to be stuck in the same rut long-term, so I am asking you, as your friend, to find a therapist, because this is the same thing you've been saying for probably a decade - really it's more, but at least a decade and it hasn't gotten better. That's depression and I really hate seeing you hurting so long-term.

[beatrice_otter]

Yes, this, I second this so hard! PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Tielan, I care about you, and I am pretty darn sure that a large proportion of the problems you talk about here are symptoms of depression. A competent therapist and the right meds can do wonders. It's not quick, and it's not easy, but it's worth it.

[senmut]

I offer hugs.

[hannah]

I've definitely felt that. It was exacerbated by the Big Loved Fic of the fandom at the time going against pretty much everything I loved about the source canon, combined with some deeply unfortunate implications in the fic itself that the author didn't seem to be aware of - like killing off one of the canon's few characters of color offscreen to quickly replace them with someone white - had me in a spiral. I'd been trying to write something new into the fandom, tell a story that genuinely hadn't been done yet, and seeing what people were going for turned my stomach every time an update was posted.

I didn't know who I wanted to throttle, or yell at, or something else. I wondered, was I not good enough?

It's hard to get back to a point of saying "my stuff is worth the time it took to make" when its reception is cold and fandom's tastes are narrow. Having to forge a path is tough. I'm getting better about it. And I hear you, so clearly.