![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
So I have for the last few years wondered if the woman who is coaching Team 1 really doesn't like me. Like...she's polite and nice but...I don't know.
Anyway, I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I was nice to the club's ex-ex-Pres who was, well, a very aggravating person to work with. I wonder if it's because I made a quilt for the coach of the team I was in one year, but didn't make a quilt for her when she coached my team the next year. I wonder if it's just because I'm not a very likeable person.
I don't think I'm able to judge if people like me anymore. Like, maybe they do, but maybe they're all just being nice? Or, you know, faking it?
That may be a psychosis. I'm not entirely sure. It's more than just hockey, it's an 'all of life' thing - feeling like I'm left out of stuff because I'm not interesting enough? Or I'm not someone that people want to hang around with? I can't even.
I will probably end up in Team 2. Which will be fine. I think. IDK. Mostly, I want to play with people who I'm friendly with, only I lately feel like they don't want to be my friend as much as I want to be friends with them. Or I lost some kind of opportunity to develop a friendship and now they're not interested in being friends anymore.
It's been a rough two years for me in hockey. First the year where they decided they wanted me to shepherd beginner players along while the people I thought I was on par with went up a grade, then last year when I was goalie for Team 2, while substituting in 7 out of 10 games for Team 1 but wasn't invited to join them for the finals, and then missed out on the social day for the team because of a covid test by my sister but still had to watch everyone else having fun and getting to be social because I was the technical person for the Zoom meeting.
I feel like it's been a rough few years all around for me in some ways.
Anyway, I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I was nice to the club's ex-ex-Pres who was, well, a very aggravating person to work with. I wonder if it's because I made a quilt for the coach of the team I was in one year, but didn't make a quilt for her when she coached my team the next year. I wonder if it's just because I'm not a very likeable person.
I don't think I'm able to judge if people like me anymore. Like, maybe they do, but maybe they're all just being nice? Or, you know, faking it?
That may be a psychosis. I'm not entirely sure. It's more than just hockey, it's an 'all of life' thing - feeling like I'm left out of stuff because I'm not interesting enough? Or I'm not someone that people want to hang around with? I can't even.
I will probably end up in Team 2. Which will be fine. I think. IDK. Mostly, I want to play with people who I'm friendly with, only I lately feel like they don't want to be my friend as much as I want to be friends with them. Or I lost some kind of opportunity to develop a friendship and now they're not interested in being friends anymore.
It's been a rough two years for me in hockey. First the year where they decided they wanted me to shepherd beginner players along while the people I thought I was on par with went up a grade, then last year when I was goalie for Team 2, while substituting in 7 out of 10 games for Team 1 but wasn't invited to join them for the finals, and then missed out on the social day for the team because of a covid test by my sister but still had to watch everyone else having fun and getting to be social because I was the technical person for the Zoom meeting.
I feel like it's been a rough few years all around for me in some ways.
Tags: