hockey thoughts

[tielan]

So I have for the last few years wondered if the woman who is coaching Team 1 really doesn't like me. Like...she's polite and nice but...I don't know.

Anyway, I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I was nice to the club's ex-ex-Pres who was, well, a very aggravating person to work with. I wonder if it's because I made a quilt for the coach of the team I was in one year, but didn't make a quilt for her when she coached my team the next year. I wonder if it's just because I'm not a very likeable person.

I don't think I'm able to judge if people like me anymore. Like, maybe they do, but maybe they're all just being nice? Or, you know, faking it?

That may be a psychosis. I'm not entirely sure. It's more than just hockey, it's an 'all of life' thing - feeling like I'm left out of stuff because I'm not interesting enough? Or I'm not someone that people want to hang around with? I can't even.

I will probably end up in Team 2. Which will be fine. I think. IDK. Mostly, I want to play with people who I'm friendly with, only I lately feel like they don't want to be my friend as much as I want to be friends with them. Or I lost some kind of opportunity to develop a friendship and now they're not interested in being friends anymore.

It's been a rough two years for me in hockey. First the year where they decided they wanted me to shepherd beginner players along while the people I thought I was on par with went up a grade, then last year when I was goalie for Team 2, while substituting in 7 out of 10 games for Team 1 but wasn't invited to join them for the finals, and then missed out on the social day for the team because of a covid test by my sister but still had to watch everyone else having fun and getting to be social because I was the technical person for the Zoom meeting.

I feel like it's been a rough few years all around for me in some ways.

Comments

[wpadmirer]

It sounds like it's very rough. I know this is tough, but maybe you need to stop thinking about what they think. I find that just gets my mind going in a death spiral. So instead I focus on what I enjoy and try not to figure out what the hell other people are thinking.

I can only be who I am, and if they don't like it, tough titties to them. I like me.

[tielan]

Yes, I had a chat with my mum early this morning (she called at 6:30 and asked if I wanted to get coffee after she dropped my stepdad off at the hospital for scans) and she said that she finds it helpful to get her mind off the 'death spiral' of that kind of thinking.

*hugs*

It's good to like who you are. Mostly, I do. I just sometimes wish more other people liked me, too...

[wpadmirer]

I get that. It's not easy. There are times when I find myself saying, "WTF did I do to that person to make them dislike me?" And then I have to work very hard to let it go. (I literally say that to myself a lot. "Let it go!" If it's shit I can't do anything about, fuck it.

There's a woman at work who has taken a dislike of me. I have no idea why, and I honestly don't give a shit. So I nicknamed her in my head "Twat #1" and every day when she comes in and I have to move this little tile over to show she's here, I mentally say, "Twat #1 is here."

By making her smaller and less important to me, I found that I actually was able to let go of trying to figure out what the problem was. (She won't talk to me, so it's not from a lack of me attempting to confront the problem.)

[rmc28]

Either she doesn't like you and is very good at being polite and nice anyway, or she does like you and what you see is what you get. And she might like you-the-person differently than she likes you-the-player too. (Which I recognise is a different potential source of worry.)

I don't think I am good at discerning if people actually like me or are just faking it to get along, but I've found it's easier to take people's words and actions at face value, and to express myself sincerely in words and actions when I like them. People who don't like me as I am: well, we're not going to be friends I guess, but being sincerely myself has helped find the people who do.

Also, there are degrees of 'liking' people: there are people at work who I would not choose to hang out with if our work didn't bring us together, but since it does, I make sure we can get our shared goals done and keep at least a surface-level warmth. Ask A Manager often brings up the difference between "warm friendliness" and "friends", especially where there is a power differential; if possible I aim for a baseline of "warm friendliness" with anyone I interact with. If that becomes a stronger friendship over time, then great, but otherwise it at least makes the day-to-day easier.

I lately feel like they don't want to be my friend as much as I want to be friends with them

Yeah, that's a hard one. I've definitely been there, and it hurts in the sense of self and self-worth. I don't want to minimise that, but also it doesn't help me to dwell on it. I've found some value in allowing myself a bit of time to grieve and wallow, and then pick myself up and focus on other things. It kind of helps being busy, I can throw myself into something else that needs doing. And I suppose to keep doing to the work of maintaining existing friendships, making friendly overtures to potential new-friends, reminding myself that ok, X isn't into being my friend as much as I'd like, but P,Q & R seem to act like they like me.

[tielan]

I feel like the last year has done me no favours in losing connections with people, and the months since we 'unlocked' have been filled with work and other stressful things.

[thothmes]

There is a certain type of introvert that enjoys time with friends, both close friends and those closer to the acquaintance end of the scale, but finds it exhausting and needs to recharge the batteries before sallying forth again. Often, when one is one of those [and I recognize that I am describing myself here too] and by nature more of a listen-before-joining type, it becomes easy to be looked as not making enough noise or not inclined to put one’s self forward. I find that what you say about being unsure about how you are regarded really resonates with me and my life. But having put some more time in it than you [I’m 63] I’ve had opportunities to learn that I am almost always better regarded than I thought I was. I think of it this way; if there is an entire litter of golden retriever puppies gamboling about in a field with a ball to kick around and chase, sometimes the hang back puppy gets overlooked in the heat of the moment, but in quieter times, its stand-by-your side nature would be greatly missed if it were not there. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to be that puppy sometimes, but it’s not because the puppy is unlikeable or because there is something bad or wrong about it. It’s just about how some personalities demand attention, and others await it patiently. I know that for myself, I truly prize the latter, and that thinking people will recognize that although you may want the first kind more in fair weather, it is the quiet and thoughtful types that show their value beyond price in tough times.

[beatrice_otter]

As an autistic person (who doesn't pick up social cues very well) I feel you on this one. It is so hard to know "does this person like me? hates me but is just being polite? something in between?" and you will drive yourself CRAZY if you spend too much time thinking about it.