profic synopsis

[tielan]

Trying to structure my synopsis for the Jody Lynn Nye workshop.

I'm a little terrified of a) criticism, b) judgement. Just a smidge.

James Barreras has been called in to deal with a problem. His AI netlink, Dia, has gone down, taking half the administrative systems of Hera Base with her in what command fears might well be a terrorist act.

Only it turns out Dia’s not an AI, but a person. She hasn’t shut down the systems as a threat but as a preventative measure. And it’s not the administrative systems that are in danger, but classified operations, targeted by a skilled hacker who knows what to look for and where to find it.

While Dia contains the hacker’s programs as they attempt to corrupt the Hera Base systems, it’s up to James to hunt him down before Hera Command shuts down the connection between him and his netlink – permanently.

Thoughts?
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Frankly, reading through the story, it contains all the fic tropes that my readers would be familiar with: action hero man, woman holding the line and keeping it together, stoic friendship-with-relationship-angle, psuedo-military action, character drama...

I have a type. Yes, yes I do.

Comments

[sbarmarj]

First some grammatical stuff. (Also I am assuming general US style rules here. Probably Chicago Manual if I needed to point to one of the three I use on a regular basis. If this is for a non-US audience and the grammar rules are different ignore me.)

Second sentence, I would capitalize command. I believe you are referring to a specific entity and that will be clearer with capitalization i.e. Command=noun describing a specific group/person; command=verb. This is a readability note, but I had to stop and reread the sentence a few times to get your intent.

Probably a comma after threat in the second sentence, second paragraph. However a dash would also be proper and I would recommend it here because of the way it will improve pacing.

Now to more overall comments. I think the pacing of the synopsis is off, but I am struggling somewhat to determine how to help you build it. I'll give it another read through after work. I want the synopsis to build better. Right now its drops little bombs allover the place, but doesn't have a big one that grabs you at the end and makes you want to read the rest of the story.

The first sentence is vague, which makes it sort of a waste for you, I think. Where is he being called in from? By whom? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? The use of the word "problem" connotes negativity, but maybe not as strongly as you want? In the first paragraph I thought this was a routine/normal/minor problem. Overall, use the first sentence to set tone, place and character better.

As you said, you have a type of character you like to write, but right now the only reason that I know that is because you said it and I read you fanfic. From the description of James and Dia I don't know anything about them as characters.

gtg to work, but I have some more notes. Also I would read this book in a heartbeat, but I also have a type. And I hope this didn't feel harsh or to critical. I spend a lot of time critiquing writing, and thinking about writing and law school beat a certain amount of empathy out of me.