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I saw one of those "High Maintenance" memes, where all the list of things are beauty-and-fashion oriented of the kind which most women are fed that they need to do/be to be considered attractive and feminine and interesting.
We can argue about the expectations of society on women until the cows come home, and also whether or not women should accept those expectations (my answer is: "no, women shouldn't, but being able to circumvent or subvert those expectations in any significant way tends to be really exhausting and puts you out on a limb if you don't happen to have really good support networks that accept you for who and what you are - and most women do not have that, even vaguely"), but the point of this is that I got riled and wrote up a post about 'high maintenance men'.
--
You know, we don't actually talk about "high maintenance" men.
No, not the guys who take an hour to have every hair in place, work out at the gym for hours, and need to dress perfectly co-ordinated. Not that kind of 'high maintenance'.
We don't talk about the high maintenance men who you have to be nice to or they get angry, or sulky, or petty.
The men who need to be 'respected' or else they withhold money, or withhold affection, or mete out punishment.
The men who demand sex whenever they want it because "I'm your husband/partner and it's my right, and if you don't, then I'll go elsewhere and it'll be your fault" but don't give a flying f* about whether or not you enjoyed sex and intimacy the way they do it.
We never talk about "high maintenance" men.
We don't talk about the men who get stroppy when questioned about their decision, or the men who claim that they were misunderstood, or the men who throw a punch after the back is turned because they simply cannot stand their opponent standing up to them.
The men who will throw their kids off bridges in Melbourne peakhour, or carry them into the lake to drown, or shoot them coming home from cricket practice - or in the safety of their homes.
And we surely don't talk about the men who you have to remind to empty the dishwasher and hang out the washing and take out the garbage every week on garbage night.
You don't think a guy who shirks his chores is "high maintenance"?
Let me ask you: when the chore ball gets dropped, who has to pick up the slack? Your kids? The chooks? The dog? The magical fairies of Housework Wonderland Where Everything Is Clean Dishes and Folded Clothes!
Let's be real about this: we hold no fondness for a man who can't "protect his family" - but what we mean is a man who couldn't win a knock-down drag-out beat-him-into-a-bloody-pulp guy. We don't talk about men who can't perform the most basic of household tasks with any reliability - thereby requiring the women in their life to do extra work to keep everything running.
"Oh, but it's just a meme, Sel! Why are you such a FEMINIST [from the Christians]? Why are you such a DOWNER [from everyone else]?"
Did you look at the meme? More than twenty points from that list make a woman 'high maintenance'. Funnily enough, in no item on that list is it the man who expected to do the maintaining. No, it's the woman doing the maintaining for herself, her body, her health, her personal care. And a woman who does these things might actually want a man who...is willing to treat her like she's worth that maintenance and care? ie. be 'high maintenance'.
For the record, I'm not "high maintenance". My score is 14, because I own more than 20 pairs of shoes (you should see my collections of sandals and crocs!), and I go for regular remedial massages. However, the purpose of the meme is to make me feel superior and better than 'those poor women' who are 'high maintenance'. When, in fact, I'm 100% steamed that most of these are the basic requirement for 'femininity' in broader society.
This is what our society has taught most women; this is what it's going to teach your daughters. "Be pretty - but not too much, because that's self-involved. Be sexy - but not too much, because that's an invitation to assault. Be clever - but not too much, because guys don't like a woman who argues back."
And, women, we don't talk about "high maintenance men" enough - oh, maybe to each other (although heavily mitigated through 'he's a good man even though he couldn't spot the washing machine in the middle of an empty parking lot', but we don't talk about them to our daughters...and we definitely don't train our sons not to be 'high maintenance men'.
Maybe we should.
--
ps. I love you guys, and I'm delighted for those of you who are not in relationships with high-maintenance men, BUT this post is not your invitation to tell me how your man isn't high maintenance and why, also not somewhere to post why it's good to be a lesbian. I'm happy to accept that these categories don't fit everyone, but the people this message is aimed at are not actually on DW. I wrote this to get it out somewhere.
We can argue about the expectations of society on women until the cows come home, and also whether or not women should accept those expectations (my answer is: "no, women shouldn't, but being able to circumvent or subvert those expectations in any significant way tends to be really exhausting and puts you out on a limb if you don't happen to have really good support networks that accept you for who and what you are - and most women do not have that, even vaguely"), but the point of this is that I got riled and wrote up a post about 'high maintenance men'.
--
You know, we don't actually talk about "high maintenance" men.
No, not the guys who take an hour to have every hair in place, work out at the gym for hours, and need to dress perfectly co-ordinated. Not that kind of 'high maintenance'.
We don't talk about the high maintenance men who you have to be nice to or they get angry, or sulky, or petty.
The men who need to be 'respected' or else they withhold money, or withhold affection, or mete out punishment.
The men who demand sex whenever they want it because "I'm your husband/partner and it's my right, and if you don't, then I'll go elsewhere and it'll be your fault" but don't give a flying f* about whether or not you enjoyed sex and intimacy the way they do it.
We never talk about "high maintenance" men.
We don't talk about the men who get stroppy when questioned about their decision, or the men who claim that they were misunderstood, or the men who throw a punch after the back is turned because they simply cannot stand their opponent standing up to them.
The men who will throw their kids off bridges in Melbourne peakhour, or carry them into the lake to drown, or shoot them coming home from cricket practice - or in the safety of their homes.
And we surely don't talk about the men who you have to remind to empty the dishwasher and hang out the washing and take out the garbage every week on garbage night.
You don't think a guy who shirks his chores is "high maintenance"?
Let me ask you: when the chore ball gets dropped, who has to pick up the slack? Your kids? The chooks? The dog? The magical fairies of Housework Wonderland Where Everything Is Clean Dishes and Folded Clothes!
Let's be real about this: we hold no fondness for a man who can't "protect his family" - but what we mean is a man who couldn't win a knock-down drag-out beat-him-into-a-bloody-pulp guy. We don't talk about men who can't perform the most basic of household tasks with any reliability - thereby requiring the women in their life to do extra work to keep everything running.
"Oh, but it's just a meme, Sel! Why are you such a FEMINIST [from the Christians]? Why are you such a DOWNER [from everyone else]?"
Did you look at the meme? More than twenty points from that list make a woman 'high maintenance'. Funnily enough, in no item on that list is it the man who expected to do the maintaining. No, it's the woman doing the maintaining for herself, her body, her health, her personal care. And a woman who does these things might actually want a man who...is willing to treat her like she's worth that maintenance and care? ie. be 'high maintenance'.
For the record, I'm not "high maintenance". My score is 14, because I own more than 20 pairs of shoes (you should see my collections of sandals and crocs!), and I go for regular remedial massages. However, the purpose of the meme is to make me feel superior and better than 'those poor women' who are 'high maintenance'. When, in fact, I'm 100% steamed that most of these are the basic requirement for 'femininity' in broader society.
This is what our society has taught most women; this is what it's going to teach your daughters. "Be pretty - but not too much, because that's self-involved. Be sexy - but not too much, because that's an invitation to assault. Be clever - but not too much, because guys don't like a woman who argues back."
And, women, we don't talk about "high maintenance men" enough - oh, maybe to each other (although heavily mitigated through 'he's a good man even though he couldn't spot the washing machine in the middle of an empty parking lot', but we don't talk about them to our daughters...and we definitely don't train our sons not to be 'high maintenance men'.
Maybe we should.
--
ps. I love you guys, and I'm delighted for those of you who are not in relationships with high-maintenance men, BUT this post is not your invitation to tell me how your man isn't high maintenance and why, also not somewhere to post why it's good to be a lesbian. I'm happy to accept that these categories don't fit everyone, but the people this message is aimed at are not actually on DW. I wrote this to get it out somewhere.
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All I gotta say is, "Amen, Sister!"
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