thinking over the state of marriage

[tielan]

Lovely as are the men I know who are married, I haven't met a husband yet who has yet made me think it would be nicer to be married[*] than single.

[*] to a man, because I'm het

Comments

[deird1]

See, I've found exactly one. Tis why I married him.

[monanotlisa]

Hmm, true enough for me too. (I've loved men, but would I have married them? No.)

[tielan]

I'm just feeling deeply cynical about the roles and expectations of women in marriage from society, their husbands, and themselves.

I mean, I've been deeply cynical for at least the last five or six years (and mildly cynical before that), but just particularly these last couple of weeks.

I'm not even envious, you know? I just...there's a part of me thinking I can't imagine anything worse than marrying a man and being a wife and mother - even with a really great, lovely, 'woke' guy.

Many years ago, I knew a young woman who thought that having a baby grow inside you for nine months was a horrific thing ("something growing inside you, like a parasite - if it wasn't human it would be the subject of a horror movie!") and she never wanted children. I think I've reached the same mental state regarding marriage and all the trimmings...

[ninja007]

I looked and looked. I'm now 57 yrs old and don't want one. EVERY man I knew came into my life like a wrecking ball and acted like babies and/or narcissists. It gets lonely sometimes, but not often.

I often wonder if I'm asexual or a form of asexual.

[tielan]

It's not even acting like babies or narcissists; it's just a degree of unrelenting, unaware, unthinking selfishness that I can't take.

One step beyond simple courtesy and even the "good men" are completely up shit creek without a paddle - or else they sit on the paddle and say "I don't know how!"

They'll hold open a door, but they won't offer to wash up. They'll do their work and then think that their day is done while their wife does her work and then all the family's work, too. They'll call their wives to tell them that their toddler is screaming and that they need to come home because it's wrecking their zen when their wife hasn't had a day off from the child in a month!

I know I'm not asexual, but I think of sexuality like a horse: it can be bridled and tamed and it's a better thing to know how to control it, even if you let it have its head every now and then. The idea that we - all people, although particularly men in a societal context - can't be controlled about our sex lives or live without sex without stifling something in us or being 'repressed'? Is complete bullshit.

And yes, it can be lonely on occasion. But I'm sure that every partnered woman has, at some point, looked at her husband and wished she didn't feel so damn alone in the workload. And I feel a damn sight better about being single and not really wanting marriage than being married and wishing I were single.

Sorry, I'm on a tear today after learning yesterday that a friend's husband is leaving her.

[ninja007]

No reason to apologize. You nailed it! That sums up most of the men I've met in my life. I've known some good men, who actually carry the work load with their partner equally. It's because of those men that I'm not a man hater. Most men though, I want no part of them.

I have two friends who are asexual, who say that I do display aspects of an asexual and I've even discussed it with my therapist. It's all moot though. I'm not having sex anytime in the future and that's the way I want it. PTSD killed my libido long ago and what was left, dealing with men killed that. I don't want to be a babysitter. I did that as a teen and hated it. Although, for those children I was a bit of a surrogate parent, as their parents SUCKED. But, still. Wives do end up being more of a babysitter than a life partner.