hockey thoughts

[tielan]

So I have for the last few years wondered if the woman who is coaching Team 1 really doesn't like me. Like...she's polite and nice but...I don't know.

Anyway, I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I was nice to the club's ex-ex-Pres who was, well, a very aggravating person to work with. I wonder if it's because I made a quilt for the coach of the team I was in one year, but didn't make a quilt for her when she coached my team the next year. I wonder if it's just because I'm not a very likeable person.

I don't think I'm able to judge if people like me anymore. Like, maybe they do, but maybe they're all just being nice? Or, you know, faking it?

That may be a psychosis. I'm not entirely sure. It's more than just hockey, it's an 'all of life' thing - feeling like I'm left out of stuff because I'm not interesting enough? Or I'm not someone that people want to hang around with? I can't even.

I will probably end up in Team 2. Which will be fine. I think. IDK. Mostly, I want to play with people who I'm friendly with, only I lately feel like they don't want to be my friend as much as I want to be friends with them. Or I lost some kind of opportunity to develop a friendship and now they're not interested in being friends anymore.

It's been a rough two years for me in hockey. First the year where they decided they wanted me to shepherd beginner players along while the people I thought I was on par with went up a grade, then last year when I was goalie for Team 2, while substituting in 7 out of 10 games for Team 1 but wasn't invited to join them for the finals, and then missed out on the social day for the team because of a covid test by my sister but still had to watch everyone else having fun and getting to be social because I was the technical person for the Zoom meeting.

I feel like it's been a rough few years all around for me in some ways.

Comments

[thothmes]

There is a certain type of introvert that enjoys time with friends, both close friends and those closer to the acquaintance end of the scale, but finds it exhausting and needs to recharge the batteries before sallying forth again. Often, when one is one of those [and I recognize that I am describing myself here too] and by nature more of a listen-before-joining type, it becomes easy to be looked as not making enough noise or not inclined to put one’s self forward. I find that what you say about being unsure about how you are regarded really resonates with me and my life. But having put some more time in it than you [I’m 63] I’ve had opportunities to learn that I am almost always better regarded than I thought I was. I think of it this way; if there is an entire litter of golden retriever puppies gamboling about in a field with a ball to kick around and chase, sometimes the hang back puppy gets overlooked in the heat of the moment, but in quieter times, its stand-by-your side nature would be greatly missed if it were not there. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to be that puppy sometimes, but it’s not because the puppy is unlikeable or because there is something bad or wrong about it. It’s just about how some personalities demand attention, and others await it patiently. I know that for myself, I truly prize the latter, and that thinking people will recognize that although you may want the first kind more in fair weather, it is the quiet and thoughtful types that show their value beyond price in tough times.