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Arrived back in Sydney 6 hours ago, got home 4 hours ago, buried the cat 2 hours ago.
The worst part was coming home and not hearing her squeak for me. Not being able to cuddle her, or have her wind around my ankles, or hear her bound up the stairs or along the hallway. All the usual things that happen when I get home.
The next few days are going to be the worst. I could put it all off while I was away, but now I'm home, it all comes back with a vengeance.
I've cried most of the morning, and still have a tendency to tear up at random moments. Like standing in the entryway waiting for the patter of her feet as she came to greet me after a long absence. Or leaving the front door open, because she's not going to try to rush out. Putting down the door curtain to my bedroom - the one that keeps the heat in, while having one corner pinned up so the cat could get through. Writing this.
When they brought her out at the vet, they weren't sure they should show me to her because she was frozen in the position she was when she died and it wasn't 'pretty'. But I insisted and it was worth it to stroke her fur again, even if she was cold and silent instead of warm and purring.
She's been a daily part of my life for fourteen years. And now she's not.
We buried her over at the parentals, because our block is slated for medium-density development and I didn't want her dug up in a few years' time. I planted an old gardenia over her - one I got the year I bought her home. And I know she's out of pain now, but...I miss her like crazy. It's going to be a hard, cold winter.
Cat's Funeral
by E.V. Rieu
Bury her deep, down deep,
Safe in the earth's cold keep,
Bury her deep-
No more to watch bird stir;
No more to clean dark fur;
No more to glisten as silk;
No more to revel in milk;
No more to purr.
Bury her deep, down deep;
She is beyond warm sleep.
She will not walk in the night;
She will not wake to the light.
Bury her deep.
--
I'll try to get around to a final European trip update in a few days.
The worst part was coming home and not hearing her squeak for me. Not being able to cuddle her, or have her wind around my ankles, or hear her bound up the stairs or along the hallway. All the usual things that happen when I get home.
The next few days are going to be the worst. I could put it all off while I was away, but now I'm home, it all comes back with a vengeance.
I've cried most of the morning, and still have a tendency to tear up at random moments. Like standing in the entryway waiting for the patter of her feet as she came to greet me after a long absence. Or leaving the front door open, because she's not going to try to rush out. Putting down the door curtain to my bedroom - the one that keeps the heat in, while having one corner pinned up so the cat could get through. Writing this.
When they brought her out at the vet, they weren't sure they should show me to her because she was frozen in the position she was when she died and it wasn't 'pretty'. But I insisted and it was worth it to stroke her fur again, even if she was cold and silent instead of warm and purring.
She's been a daily part of my life for fourteen years. And now she's not.
We buried her over at the parentals, because our block is slated for medium-density development and I didn't want her dug up in a few years' time. I planted an old gardenia over her - one I got the year I bought her home. And I know she's out of pain now, but...I miss her like crazy. It's going to be a hard, cold winter.
Cat's Funeral
by E.V. Rieu
Bury her deep, down deep,
Safe in the earth's cold keep,
Bury her deep-
No more to watch bird stir;
No more to clean dark fur;
No more to glisten as silk;
No more to revel in milk;
No more to purr.
Bury her deep, down deep;
She is beyond warm sleep.
She will not walk in the night;
She will not wake to the light.
Bury her deep.
--
I'll try to get around to a final European trip update in a few days.
no subject
I'm glad you got to see her a last time, even if it wasn't pretty. It's an important part of saying goodbye. Our first cats lived nineteen and twenty-one years, respectively and even that was all too short. It seems so unfair that you should be without her comfort, given all the other upheavals in your life.
Take some comfort that in your grief, you have offered comfort, even if it is to girls you don't know at some time yet to come.
no subject
You're welcome.
I remembered it years ago from a children's book of poetry (not a book of poetry for children, but in a children's book of poetry).
The reason I wanted to see her was to say goodbye. Since she'd died while I was away that was very important to me. And I wasn't sure it would be real until I'd seen her and touched her for myself.
2011 has been a very up-and-down year for me situationally. Hopefully this makes three bad things and I can have a nice quiet 2nd half?
no subject
no subject
*big hugs*
It's hard when they're such a constant part of your life. The loss of them gets triggered by just about anything.
no subject