EXCHANGE INTERFACE

( saturday's a special treat: there's a tater pudding )

It's been a quiet day today, though. Still tired, mind. Went to church and chatted with some people, but then felt a bit bleh on the walk home - anxious that a specific friend doesn't really like me. IDK. Not the same as the lady who (a couple of months ago) said there were people she didn't like in the church, and I realised that she's never come up and asked me how I am or shown any interest in me joining the conversation, or been particularly enthusiastic about my presence. Someone else who I'm wondering if they actually like me - but someone who's a lot more involved and around and about.

Also: I feel like I'm being left off a group of people who go and see movies. And I don't know how to get on the list without demanding to be included which...is awkward.

Anyway. I'm very tired and it's nearly 9pm. Might be time for bed now.

How interesting.

While googling how to make a cup of tea with my fancy (old, but never used) tea set, I landed on a "cup of tea scene" from Dr Strange and the Multiverse of Madness.

I watched about half of it, and then went looking for the tail end of my Meeting Halfway Maria/Steve series, which ended up dealing with the problem of canon-universe Wanda as best they could. (It mostly involved locking her out of their universe and leaving her for the canon-universe to deal with.)

I think that, in spite of being a universe-next-door and never having seen DS:MoM, I managed to tie it in very neatly!

--

Lunar New Year was great: family, food, catch-up with cousins.

Feeling a little bit exhausted and run down. Not sure if I have actually caught something or if it's just tiredness. Also, I've been going back to the gym and all sorts of things are twinging everywhere.

And it might just be *gestures at everything*. Great moogly googly.

--

I'm back to making quilts again! Partly because of the new year catchup with cousins (who I've been planning to make quilts for since forever), partly because I'm mostly made my way through all the quilts I finished off in the last couple of years. And now I'm ready to start the next set of quilts!

--

Writing the candyheartsex fic and trying to keep it from getting smutty because that's not what the recipient asked for. Actually, I should also check how long it is.

Have begun the rewrites of And If I Rise in the first person. It's slow going.

Still trying to finish The Civilian Peace: each time I think I have it pinned down, it slips away, or there's a new aspect of the situation I want to have them look at. ARGH.

I was hoping to add to several WIPs but none of them have provided quite enough words. I know where I want them to go; getting them there is proving problematic.

Not enough water? Not enough sleep? It's definitely not a lack of food.

( personal stuff? )

Maybe it's no wonder I have a headache.

--

( podcast: Fandom Olds )

There was a lot we talked about, I hope it was useful and fun. It was certainly a walk down memory lane!

--

Trip up to the northern highlands (that's what I'm calling it: I think it's actually called The Mid-North Coast) again this weekend. Really not feeling like it with the headache.

( gardenish things )

*sigh*

Too many things to do, not enough time in which to do them, and I have a 2.5 hour drive ahead of me this evening...

Well, no, I do.

I want to read a really good novel-length story about my OTP - one which I didn't have to write myself.

But that's not going to happen.

I've read and re-read everything that's safe and comforting and warm. But it's not safe and comforting and warm when you get out; the world's still a mess and I'm so tired.

Struggling with the feeling of achieving nothing.

At one level, I know that's not true. On the other, I feel like whatever I'm doing is just arranging deck chairs on the Titanic, nothing more meaningful.

Thought of the day: as lovely as the married men I know are, not one of them has ever made me think having a husband would be an advantage. I can see why women in general might want one, I just don't think having one would make my life in any way easier, better, or more enjoyable.

It looks very much like the universe has decided I'm only going to get one quilt done for this show.

I've had SO MUCH TROUBLE getting the second one quilted, and I'm running out of time.


It's a big sucker. You know why? Because the pattern I based it off was freaking HUGE. As in, even larger than this. And I just went along with the pattern because I'm a dingbat.

So this is 1.8m x 2.4m which is enough to cover a queen size bed. And I have to quilt it before Thursday.

1. I am working a straight 40 hours a week.
2. I have things scheduled on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. They can be cancelled.
3. I have a work-related dinner on Thursday night which I could cancel, but which I'd like to go to because I haven't seen these people in a while.
4. Ocean's 8 comes out this week. (Yeah, I'm not going to see it until at least the weekend.)

[6 hours later]

I played a hockey game, had so many shots on goal, got none of them as usual. Came home, felt like a failure, had a massive sobbing jag, and skipped church.

It probably doesn't help that we played a game last night (a 'make up' game to fill a week when we weren't able to play for "lack of fields") and I once again had shots on goal and didn't manage to get a single one in. And our coach is more likely to criticise than encourage.

And then this morning, I did the shopping...then got to the checkout and realised I'd left my purse at home.

I know my life is much better than other peoples', but failure at the goals you set yourself is not comparative to others. And they aren't unreasonable things that I'm asking of myself, I think. I just can't seem to achieve them.

so freaking tired.

I have now mailed the quilt show organisers and explained that I won't get the second quilt in. It's just too much to do and I don't have the time. Fail.

I'm debating whether to do some sewing that I actually want to do, or maybe just lie in bed and wallow for the rest of the evening...

I'm tired and a little bit stressed and one crisis away from just bursting into tears.

Not sure why. It's not PMS (to reach for the most hackeneyed and easily-associated possibility) because I just finished my period and I don't get measurable PMS (I'm cranky all the time).

I even got enough sleep last night - went to bed around 10:30, woke up around 5:30 - that's pretty good for me.

And even gladder that I had something scheduled on that day which meant that work was reluctant to call me back in.

( my life )

I want to find a hole, curl up, and have a good cry right now. All the things, all at once.

Quietly terrified that they won't take the house, that we'll get stuck with an aging and decrepit white elephant that someone will buy for a song and then sell for a bajillion. Or that the roof will cave in over our heads one day from neglect and sheer exhaustion.

It's bad enough that we're getting about 30% less than what was originally offered us 10 years ago, thanks to a neighbour who wanted more than the buyers of the time were offering. We're also being paid the 2012 value of the land in a 2014 market - people are paying 25-30% more for property this year than they were paying 3 years ago. But we're trapped at 2012 values on the option.

I'm tired. And stressed. I want a smaller house - a nice house, with a flat yard that I can garden in, on a smaller property in a nice area. We've been promised the money and I trust my mum; I don't trust the freaking developers who've been stringing us out for the last 18 months.

And it's exhausting, looking at houses and watching the market and thinking how little we'll be able to afford by the time we actually get the place settled.

It's been one of those weeks. Working, writing, working, writing, dealing with fannish racism and entitlement, dealing with life stuff, working and writing some more...

Don't even talk to me about the house hunt.

There's supposed to be drinks on this afternoon. I'm thinking I might skip them in favour of going home and completing this story that's due tomorrow. (Technically the 15th, but American vs Australian time = leeway.)

I was hoping to get more PB entries done (2 Maria/Steve, one Chuck/Yancy, one Persephone/Hades, and a Raleigh/Mako/Chuck) but I think I'm out of time and out of spoons.