failure

[tielan]

Thought of the day: as lovely as the married men I know are, not one of them has ever made me think having a husband would be an advantage. I can see why women in general might want one, I just don't think having one would make my life in any way easier, better, or more enjoyable.

It looks very much like the universe has decided I'm only going to get one quilt done for this show.

I've had SO MUCH TROUBLE getting the second one quilted, and I'm running out of time.


It's a big sucker. You know why? Because the pattern I based it off was freaking HUGE. As in, even larger than this. And I just went along with the pattern because I'm a dingbat.

So this is 1.8m x 2.4m which is enough to cover a queen size bed. And I have to quilt it before Thursday.

1. I am working a straight 40 hours a week.
2. I have things scheduled on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. They can be cancelled.
3. I have a work-related dinner on Thursday night which I could cancel, but which I'd like to go to because I haven't seen these people in a while.
4. Ocean's 8 comes out this week. (Yeah, I'm not going to see it until at least the weekend.)

[6 hours later]

I played a hockey game, had so many shots on goal, got none of them as usual. Came home, felt like a failure, had a massive sobbing jag, and skipped church.

It probably doesn't help that we played a game last night (a 'make up' game to fill a week when we weren't able to play for "lack of fields") and I once again had shots on goal and didn't manage to get a single one in. And our coach is more likely to criticise than encourage.

And then this morning, I did the shopping...then got to the checkout and realised I'd left my purse at home.

I know my life is much better than other peoples', but failure at the goals you set yourself is not comparative to others. And they aren't unreasonable things that I'm asking of myself, I think. I just can't seem to achieve them.

so freaking tired.

I have now mailed the quilt show organisers and explained that I won't get the second quilt in. It's just too much to do and I don't have the time. Fail.

I'm debating whether to do some sewing that I actually want to do, or maybe just lie in bed and wallow for the rest of the evening...

Comments

[morbane]

failure at the goals you set yourself is not comparative to others

That rings painfully true. I empathise. I hope tomorrow contains a better ratio of achieved goals.

[tielan]

Mostly it just involves finishing work. Which is pretty much the same as a ratio of achieved goals.

[eggsbenedict]

Aw nooo... sometimes wallowing is truly best, so hopefully you got to do some of that this evening.
I hope you have a better week this week!

[tielan]

I went to bed at 7:30pm and woke up feeling mostly better.

Hope your week is good, too!

[lynnenne]

I just don't think having one would make my life in any way easier, better, or more enjoyable.

I did have one, once, and I found this to be true. It's just one more person who expects you to take care of them.

[tielan]

Yes, that's my impression of things, too. Which is obviously not the only reason to be in partnership with a man, but is a serious dampener, at least for me.

[monanotlisa]

I know it's useless to tell smart perfectionists to not be so hard on themselves, so all I will say is, there is always a next time; there is always tomorrow; there is always a chance to do better.

<3

(And yes, I hear you about husbands of friends and family. They're lovely people, a lot of them; I just...wouldn't want any of them as *my* husband. Even the boys I've been really into -- they were not who I could have been with.)

[tielan]

I just feel like I haven't been doing better at hockey for ages. And our coach prioritises goals right now - like, even when we're getting shot after shot after shot and being blocked by the goalies and backs, it's not good enough. And it's stressing me out that he doesn't acknowledge the part that luck plays in a game. When we don't get shots, it's about our skill, not about bad or good luck - and sometimes it is about our skill. But it's not like we're the Australian national team and just missing our shots; it's an amateur competition which we're trying to play for fun. And for me it's becoming less and less fun since the implied value of my presence is as a goal scorer and I haven't scored any this year (and only a handful last year). My ability to pass the ball is irrelevant; my ability to intimidate the opposition - irrelevant; whether I play well or badly - irrelevant; the only implied and explicit relevance to my position on the team feels like it's shooting goals and I am failing at that.

And I'm sorry about the blurty mcblurtson.

[monanotlisa]

Oh, don't worry! It's your party; you can cry if you want to. And you're my friend, so you can always blurt and rant to me.

As for hockey -- look; I loved it when I played it. I chose field hockey back in school as my summer sport (badminton for the winter). I am an athlete, but there's something so much more fraught about team sports, which is why I sort of gave up on them. If you play badminton with your body every lesson, there's little to worry about...even less for, say, swimming, which is probably the most individual sport there is. But hockey, footie, volleyball are different because of the interplay and psychological pressure. I think it's likely not you, or not in the way you think? Your skills are unlikely to have diminished, after all. But you don't just play with your body. You (and all of us) play with our heads, too. And they're easily messed with.

[novel_machinist]

<3 I so understand that feeling about failure. You did a massive project on top of being massively busy, though. That's a big accomplishment and you shouldn't let your Lizard Brain (TM) diminish that. <3