![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
TITLE: Break From Duty
SUMMARY: Sam Carter. Cock-blocker extraordinaire, and you know it!
CATEGORY: Satire. Satire. Satire.
WARNINGS: Replacement of favourite characters! *shock* Breaking up of OTPs! *gasp* Cockblocking! *reels* Orgies! *shudders* Icky het! *faints*
PAIRING: Carter/Sheppard
RATING: NC-17
NOTES: Written and dedicated to all the people over at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kill_sam_carter, as well as anyone else who's judged, sentenced, and executed S4 without so much as seeing a single episode of the season. Inspired by an anonymouse over on the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
sga_noticeboard, who asked for "Sam kills the OP and has sex with everyone in Atlantis." Alas, being at work, it's rather difficult to write sex with everyone in Atlantis... But they do have an orgy later.
Break From Duty
a.k.a. "Fourth Wall? What Fourth Wall?"
Sheppard met her on the tarmac. "How'd it go?" He fell into step beside her, matching her stride with comfortable precision.
Sam eyed him suspiciously. "What are you doing here? Who's in charge of Atlantis?"
"Teyla's doing the honours, again. She's better at dealing with the people than I am." After his initial annoyance at being outranked in the city, he'd settled down pretty well. It was all due to the writers, and in keeping with portraying Sam as the golden girl of the show. "I got to come out here and greet you. You'd better appreciate it. There was a fight for the honour."
"Because Rodney's so difficult to beat," said Sam dryly as they stepped out of the wind and into the small building that acted as an administration area
"Oh, it wasn't one on one. Otherwise Teyla would be here and not in the city. It was fans vs. fans. You have no idea of the carnage."
Having sat through a full ten seasons of insane fans, Sam had a very good idea of the carnage - far better than Sheppard, who had so far only endured three seasons worth of fangirls panting over the unruliness of his hair. "Bitching, snarking, aspersions cast on intelligence and interpreting the text from the wrong perspective, internet hair-pulling, wank, accusations of deliberate cock-blocking, wax voodoo dolls of Joe Mallozzi, and SAVE INSERT CHARACTER HERE campaigns?"
Sheppard paused, mid-stride. He got over his surprise a moment later. "Yeah, that about sums it up." They'd reached the car waiting for them outside the runway's admin building and Sam dumped her duffle in the open trunk before closing it and climbing into the back seat. The nameless airman nodded at them and pulled away without needing to be told where he was going. He was a fictional character - just like her and Sheppard - and if this had been the show, they would have had to pay him for speaking lines. Easier just to assume that he was part of the Universe's Hive Mind that did useful things like provide last-minute assistance and mad breakthrough ideas when fighting the Goa'uld, Replicators, Wraith, and Orii.
"Anyway," Sheppard continued, "Teyla was the one who came up with the idea that if all the fans of the other characters ganged up against the Rodney fans then we might stand a chance. But it was close. Ronon had to sit on Rodney in the end and get him to call off his legions of fangirls. And then there was a fight about who would get to come to Earth. That one was Teyla and me vs. Ronon. I think he had this idea that he could sneak out to see Elizabeth and give her some cock. Or something. I didn't ask for details."
"Last report had her in Stargate character limbo. Isn't it pretty difficult to find people there?"
"Well, it looks a little like Ronon might be in Stargate character limbo himself this year," Sheppard said. "Other than 'Reunion', he doesn't seem to have much on his plate. I mean, not that I'm complaining. It means I don't have to share screentime with Mr. Alpha Male and his muscles and his gun."
"As if you ever have a shortage of screentime," Sam snorted. "Mr. Big Damn Hero."
"You can't talk," Sheppard said with a pointed look, "Ms. Golden Girl."
Sam grinned. "But you love me anyway."
"I can't help it," he admitted, running a hand through his hair. "It's written into my character's script."
Okay, so the fangirls had something going with the hair. It was mesmerising. "So," Sam said, deciding that the direct approach had value. "Shall we fuck now or fuck later?"
"That's a rhetorical question, right?" Sheppard began pulling off his jacket. "I mean, I've had sex with just about every other woman from the Pegasus galaxy. Plus this will annoy the fangirls."
Her shirt was tossed on the floor. "Getting tired of the worship and adoration?"
"Getting tired of sucking Rodney's cock off in fanfic all the time." He eyed Sam when she laughed. "Hey, you'd be just as bad if you had to deal with everyone who has a 'woobie Rodney' icon. I mean, Rodney is not a woobie by any stretch of the..." He trailed off as she bent over to untie her boots. Sam grinned up at him as she unpicked her laces. Bending over in black lace bras always shut them up. It had worked with Jack, too.
Sheppard yanked his clothes off so fast, it was a surprise he didn't get cloth burn. Sam sank onto him with a sigh as he kneaded her buttocks and nuzzled her breasts and encouraged her to get moving. "You know," she remarked after a few slick thrusts, "Back to your original question, it went fine."
"Yeah?" He mumbled against her nipple. She had a feeling he wasn't listening and sent a very pointed thought to the writer of this fictional piece of work to have him pay better attention. Sheppard bit her breast and sighed. "Okay, okay, I'm paying attention. God, in the middle of sex?"
"Sheppard, as far as you and the rest of the Stargate universe are concerned, I am God," Sam pointed out, patiently. "Or, at least, Super!Sam."
"But I'm Super!Sheppard in Atlantis, and no-one ever comments on..." Sam clenched her internal muscles around him, quite deliberately and his breath wheezed against her collarbone. "Okay, okay! I'm just sitting here, being the hard cock and listening to you." He muttered something about having to actually use his brain while in the middle of sex. "It went fine?"
Sam wasn't doing too well in the thinking-in-the-middle-of-sex either. "I tracked her down...in Iceland - when we...get back, remind me to...thank Sergeant Miller for the...hack program...to track her IP."
"Used...a...zat?"
Sam was moving faster on him, aching, breathless. Lightning pleasure shivered through her flesh and she got the words out through gritted teeth. "Three...shots. No...body...to hide." She made a keening noise in her throat.
"Good...idea..." Sheppard grunted, then groaned as his hips quivered. "Only getting one shot here..."
One shot was sufficient. Sam was already in the middle of orgasm, panting hard when Sheppard slowed and stilled and rested his forehead against her shoulder while she rode the pleasure out. "So," he said at last, his voice slightly hoarse. "Think we've pissed off enough fangirls yet?"
Sam eased herself off him, reaching for the box of tissues that sat conveniently between the front and back seats. The airman said nothing - he was just a nameless extra after all - although the windows of the car were foggy with steam. "Oh, we haven't even started," she said, bestowing a light kiss on his mouth. "Just wait until we get back to Atlantis."
"Orgy in the gateroom?" Sheppard asked as he eased his trousers up over his hips and rubbed a viewing spot in the steamed-up window so he could see where they were.
Her clothes stuck a little as she tried to get them on, she hadn't quite managed to clean up all the stickiness.
She laughed as he turned back. "I was thinking that you could have sex with Teyla in my office, and I'll go find Rodney and persuade him to go down on me. Ronon can hook up with Keller, and I'm sure that Zelenka's been lusting after Lorne for months now."
"Or, you could bring in Katie Brown to distract Rodney, you do Zelenka - or Lorne, whichever you prefer - and Cadman can do the other." At her blank look, Sheppard elaborated, "The 'icky het' scenario."
Light dawned. "Of course. You know, Jack used to complain that it was no wonder his back and knees were giving way since he was always fucking me or Daniel somewhere on base."
"Makes you grateful for Mallozzi and co., doesn't it?" Sheppard sat back and re-ruffled his hair. "You know, in spite of those fics that feature me with a twelve-inch cock that's constantly doing it for Rodney or Elizabeth or Teyla, I don't have the stamina for sex all day. Give me a heroic scenario anytime."
"Well, you get plenty of those in canon," she said cheerfully. "You can consider this a break from duty." She rubbed a gap in the steam off the window and watched the trees whiz by as they climbed the road up the mountain.
"But orgy later?"
Sam grinned, thinking of the complement of Atlantis personnel. "After the icky het? Sounds good to me."
And it was very good.
--
SUMMARY: Sam Carter. Cock-blocker extraordinaire, and you know it!
CATEGORY: Satire. Satire. Satire.
WARNINGS: Replacement of favourite characters! *shock* Breaking up of OTPs! *gasp* Cockblocking! *reels* Orgies! *shudders* Icky het! *faints*
PAIRING: Carter/Sheppard
RATING: NC-17
NOTES: Written and dedicated to all the people over at
kill_sam_carter, as well as anyone else who's judged, sentenced, and executed S4 without so much as seeing a single episode of the season. Inspired by an anonymouse over on the sga_noticeboard, who asked for "Sam kills the OP and has sex with everyone in Atlantis." Alas, being at work, it's rather difficult to write sex with everyone in Atlantis... But they do have an orgy later.a.k.a. "Fourth Wall? What Fourth Wall?"
Sheppard met her on the tarmac. "How'd it go?" He fell into step beside her, matching her stride with comfortable precision.
Sam eyed him suspiciously. "What are you doing here? Who's in charge of Atlantis?"
"Teyla's doing the honours, again. She's better at dealing with the people than I am." After his initial annoyance at being outranked in the city, he'd settled down pretty well. It was all due to the writers, and in keeping with portraying Sam as the golden girl of the show. "I got to come out here and greet you. You'd better appreciate it. There was a fight for the honour."
"Because Rodney's so difficult to beat," said Sam dryly as they stepped out of the wind and into the small building that acted as an administration area
"Oh, it wasn't one on one. Otherwise Teyla would be here and not in the city. It was fans vs. fans. You have no idea of the carnage."
Having sat through a full ten seasons of insane fans, Sam had a very good idea of the carnage - far better than Sheppard, who had so far only endured three seasons worth of fangirls panting over the unruliness of his hair. "Bitching, snarking, aspersions cast on intelligence and interpreting the text from the wrong perspective, internet hair-pulling, wank, accusations of deliberate cock-blocking, wax voodoo dolls of Joe Mallozzi, and SAVE INSERT CHARACTER HERE campaigns?"
Sheppard paused, mid-stride. He got over his surprise a moment later. "Yeah, that about sums it up." They'd reached the car waiting for them outside the runway's admin building and Sam dumped her duffle in the open trunk before closing it and climbing into the back seat. The nameless airman nodded at them and pulled away without needing to be told where he was going. He was a fictional character - just like her and Sheppard - and if this had been the show, they would have had to pay him for speaking lines. Easier just to assume that he was part of the Universe's Hive Mind that did useful things like provide last-minute assistance and mad breakthrough ideas when fighting the Goa'uld, Replicators, Wraith, and Orii.
"Anyway," Sheppard continued, "Teyla was the one who came up with the idea that if all the fans of the other characters ganged up against the Rodney fans then we might stand a chance. But it was close. Ronon had to sit on Rodney in the end and get him to call off his legions of fangirls. And then there was a fight about who would get to come to Earth. That one was Teyla and me vs. Ronon. I think he had this idea that he could sneak out to see Elizabeth and give her some cock. Or something. I didn't ask for details."
"Last report had her in Stargate character limbo. Isn't it pretty difficult to find people there?"
"Well, it looks a little like Ronon might be in Stargate character limbo himself this year," Sheppard said. "Other than 'Reunion', he doesn't seem to have much on his plate. I mean, not that I'm complaining. It means I don't have to share screentime with Mr. Alpha Male and his muscles and his gun."
"As if you ever have a shortage of screentime," Sam snorted. "Mr. Big Damn Hero."
"You can't talk," Sheppard said with a pointed look, "Ms. Golden Girl."
Sam grinned. "But you love me anyway."
"I can't help it," he admitted, running a hand through his hair. "It's written into my character's script."
Okay, so the fangirls had something going with the hair. It was mesmerising. "So," Sam said, deciding that the direct approach had value. "Shall we fuck now or fuck later?"
"That's a rhetorical question, right?" Sheppard began pulling off his jacket. "I mean, I've had sex with just about every other woman from the Pegasus galaxy. Plus this will annoy the fangirls."
Her shirt was tossed on the floor. "Getting tired of the worship and adoration?"
"Getting tired of sucking Rodney's cock off in fanfic all the time." He eyed Sam when she laughed. "Hey, you'd be just as bad if you had to deal with everyone who has a 'woobie Rodney' icon. I mean, Rodney is not a woobie by any stretch of the..." He trailed off as she bent over to untie her boots. Sam grinned up at him as she unpicked her laces. Bending over in black lace bras always shut them up. It had worked with Jack, too.
Sheppard yanked his clothes off so fast, it was a surprise he didn't get cloth burn. Sam sank onto him with a sigh as he kneaded her buttocks and nuzzled her breasts and encouraged her to get moving. "You know," she remarked after a few slick thrusts, "Back to your original question, it went fine."
"Yeah?" He mumbled against her nipple. She had a feeling he wasn't listening and sent a very pointed thought to the writer of this fictional piece of work to have him pay better attention. Sheppard bit her breast and sighed. "Okay, okay, I'm paying attention. God, in the middle of sex?"
"Sheppard, as far as you and the rest of the Stargate universe are concerned, I am God," Sam pointed out, patiently. "Or, at least, Super!Sam."
"But I'm Super!Sheppard in Atlantis, and no-one ever comments on..." Sam clenched her internal muscles around him, quite deliberately and his breath wheezed against her collarbone. "Okay, okay! I'm just sitting here, being the hard cock and listening to you." He muttered something about having to actually use his brain while in the middle of sex. "It went fine?"
Sam wasn't doing too well in the thinking-in-the-middle-of-sex either. "I tracked her down...in Iceland - when we...get back, remind me to...thank Sergeant Miller for the...hack program...to track her IP."
"Used...a...zat?"
Sam was moving faster on him, aching, breathless. Lightning pleasure shivered through her flesh and she got the words out through gritted teeth. "Three...shots. No...body...to hide." She made a keening noise in her throat.
"Good...idea..." Sheppard grunted, then groaned as his hips quivered. "Only getting one shot here..."
One shot was sufficient. Sam was already in the middle of orgasm, panting hard when Sheppard slowed and stilled and rested his forehead against her shoulder while she rode the pleasure out. "So," he said at last, his voice slightly hoarse. "Think we've pissed off enough fangirls yet?"
Sam eased herself off him, reaching for the box of tissues that sat conveniently between the front and back seats. The airman said nothing - he was just a nameless extra after all - although the windows of the car were foggy with steam. "Oh, we haven't even started," she said, bestowing a light kiss on his mouth. "Just wait until we get back to Atlantis."
"Orgy in the gateroom?" Sheppard asked as he eased his trousers up over his hips and rubbed a viewing spot in the steamed-up window so he could see where they were.
Her clothes stuck a little as she tried to get them on, she hadn't quite managed to clean up all the stickiness.
She laughed as he turned back. "I was thinking that you could have sex with Teyla in my office, and I'll go find Rodney and persuade him to go down on me. Ronon can hook up with Keller, and I'm sure that Zelenka's been lusting after Lorne for months now."
"Or, you could bring in Katie Brown to distract Rodney, you do Zelenka - or Lorne, whichever you prefer - and Cadman can do the other." At her blank look, Sheppard elaborated, "The 'icky het' scenario."
Light dawned. "Of course. You know, Jack used to complain that it was no wonder his back and knees were giving way since he was always fucking me or Daniel somewhere on base."
"Makes you grateful for Mallozzi and co., doesn't it?" Sheppard sat back and re-ruffled his hair. "You know, in spite of those fics that feature me with a twelve-inch cock that's constantly doing it for Rodney or Elizabeth or Teyla, I don't have the stamina for sex all day. Give me a heroic scenario anytime."
"Well, you get plenty of those in canon," she said cheerfully. "You can consider this a break from duty." She rubbed a gap in the steam off the window and watched the trees whiz by as they climbed the road up the mountain.
"But orgy later?"
Sam grinned, thinking of the complement of Atlantis personnel. "After the icky het? Sounds good to me."
And it was very good.
--
Tags:
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
Honest!
no subject
You be teh eeeebil! ;D
no subject
Aren't you glad you read it after all? ;)
no subject
no subject
*loves madly*
no subject
Infanity: source of a thousand ideas.
no subject
no subject
I admit to hoping (just a little) that Sam and John have history of some kind. Not necessarily romantic history, just ordinary, 'I encountered him/her in this situation and things went badly' history.
no subject
*insert evil maniacal laugh*
I'm not sure there's a way I can express exactly how much I love this fic.
There should definitely be a community involving Sam breaking up every OTP on Atlantis to counteract the
no subject
no subject
**offers you cookies**
So, so funny.
no subject
*munches and thanks you*
no subject
no subject
Says the person who wrote me a John/Teyla "Aida" crackerrific AU that spanned four comments!
no subject
no subject
I saw the post, but could only flick through due to writing committments.
Don't underestimate the POWER of the crack fic!
no subject
no subject
Thank you. The season hasn't even started up, FCOL!
Now, if only I could extricate Elizabeth from the clutches of her crazy fangirls, I'd write her a story...
no subject
no subject
(I need to hunt down another S4 preview/ad with Sam in it and make some icons.)
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
But then again I'm sure you knew that already :)
no subject
no subject
That's just... awesome. Icky het and all.
no subject
no subject
I LOVE it!
no subject
no subject
...and there will be a follow-up with the orgy, yes? :)
no subject
Damn you.
no subject
Best line ever.
no subject
no subject
Would you mind if I friended you so I know sooner when you post a story?
no subject
I don't mind anyone friending me. Just be warned, I don't automatically friend people back. (Although I think I'm due to expand my f-list.)
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject